Wednesday, October 17, 2007

My Rainbow Amidst Clouds

Ok - I had some pretty concerned folks out there, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to leave any cryptic messages on the blog. I simply wanted to leave a little memorial for a close friend w/out boring everyone with the details. I can see where you might have gotten concerned and for being a friend and checking in w/ me to make sure I'm ok - I thank you.

Typically around this time of year I have overwhelming memories and dreams of a friend I had in highschool. He had a troubled family life - he was angry and often in turmoil and my parents always warned that it would be my demise if I continued to be associated with him. He was one of my closest friends and we stayed in contact long after highschool. It was one of those relationships were you had each others back no matter what - and in the right time & place - could have flourished into something much more - it simply never did - and there was just an understanding that we were special to one another, period.

After several years of E.R. visits for stitches/bar fightsa/countless late night phone calls/anger management and soul searching, he shared with me how happy he had become in recent times. He was getting help, letting go of all that anger - controlling what he could and letting go of the rest. This was a huge step for him because he simply wasn't the kind of guy to share his emotions and let things. H got help though and delt with his issues. I was so happy for him and proud of him - we held hands - we had a good cry. He was able to move on. He had even met a nice girl that he had been dating for awhile and there was mention of engagement rings, weddings and children. He wanted quite a few.)

A few weeks later - he was killed in a freak accident on the construction site where he was working. He was hit in the chest with a 15 ft peice from a crane and died from internal injuries before they could get him to the ground. I was stunned when a friend called to tell me. I cried for days. I couldn't understand and I was the angry one then. I think my belief in God was highly challenged and it took me a long time to understand what his death meant to me. I struggled beyond words to make something positive out of his loss and it often felt as if someone had just reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. Other times I'd cry until I just couldn't catch my breathe. Mark and I had just become friends and he spent countless nights consoling me and just listening to me tell stories about the crazy things we used to do. Since then, I'm sure he's heard some of those same stories several times over. It's been years since Tracy left this earth - and I still have a hard time remembering him w/out tears although I know he was finally without anger and turmoil when he passed.

After quite some time had passed - I was thinking of him and still cursing God for taking him from us - I had the realization that Tracy would never be able to fulfull those dreams he shared with me of having a wife and family. Determined to find a positive from his death - I realized I owed it to him to live out my dreams....or at least attempt them. I decided right there that I needed to head back to school to finish my degree.....I took my life back and became an active participant and I began making my plans & laying the foundation for one day crossing a finish line as an Ironman.

So - that's my story - my tribute for Tracy. In a nutshell, LIVE, make every day count and don't let a day go by without telling important people in your life how much they mean to you. Kisses, hugs, the words "I love you," should be commonplace. We don't know how much time we have here - and for those who have already passed on - well, I think we owe it to them to make our lives count and live out our dreams. If you're familiar with triathlon, you're probably familiar with the quote, "Anything is possible."

My tag line? I guess you could say I'm "Living out dreams in honor of those who can't."

I went to see Maya Angelou last night. Her message was an important one - be someone's rainbow amidst clouds..... I guess, simply put, Tracy was my rainbow.....


Kevin said...

We are glad you are back!!!

JekuL said...


HE never gives us anything we can't handle. We just have to endure to get stronger.

Laurie said...

This is a great post, very touching. Thank you for sharing this piece of you with us. I am so sorry that you lost your rainbow. Rejoice in the fact that you had one :)

Jumper 2.0 said...

Thank you so much for sharing your friend with us. I too was a little confused by your in memory post, but thought you would share more when you were ready. I was trying to connect it with recent events that may or may not have been in the paper.

While I may differ with you on my belief in God's responsibility in your friends death, it is always touching to hear a story, that to me, clearly shows that he is with you!

Kevin said...

Where have you been? I need something new to read. LOL